Beware: This review contains mild spoilers! -
"Mild" because: Hey, it's Snow White. You know what happens. (If not,
seriously consider grabbing a copy of Grimm's Fairy Tales and do some essential
reading.) If you'd like to watch the movie completely uninfluenced, please stop reading right now and come back later. Ye have been warned.
Since I saw the first teaser
trailer of "Snow White and the Huntsman", I was very excited about
this movie - especially after the second trailer, which showed a scene where Snow White
encounters mythical creatures like tiny fairies and a white stag in the forest. I'm also a big fan of Charlize Theron and couldn't wait to see her as the evil
queen. Yesterday, the wait was finally over: I couldn't believe it myself when
I was successful in convincing my husband to go watch this movie with me
- although it really wasn't his cup of tea (he would have preferred Men in Black 3 but bent to my iron will).
Visually, the movie is stunning,
even if it had a very distinct Lord of the Rings look. When Snow
White, the Huntsman and the dwarves walk across a magnificent mountain
landscape, the air shot looks ridiculously like The Fellowship of the Ring
walking towards the mines of Moria. I wouldn't have been surprised if Legolas
and Gimli had been among them. Charlize Theron, as I expected, really rocked
the boat in her role, she was painfully beautiful, regal and wonderfully evil
without overacting. Kristen Stewart has the perfect looks for her role, but I
am not sure about her style of acting Snow White.
She was a wonderful Bella in
Twilight, playing that young girl who is uncomfortable with herself and angry
at the world, but in Snow White, she needed to deliver the innocence that's so important as a
counterpart to the clever, scheming queen. She played the part well, but I was
surprised by how few lines she had to speak, which seemed peculiar since she
was the main character. Chris Hemsworth (a great actor and always a joy to look
at) and the rest of the elaborate cast (it was great fun to detect the famous
actors hiding beneath heavy dwarf make-up) did their best, too, but even they couldn't
ensure that the viewers felt emotionally moved - which brings us to what was
really lacking in this movie: A good script.
While all the elements of a
fantasy story - heroes and villains, a quest, exotic landscapes and magic
creatures - were there, what was lacking was: a) a good, satisfying love story (Snow White has two gorgeous guys to
choose from -Thor and the handsome priest who fell in love with a mermaid from
Pirates of the Caribbean 4. Hello? Where is the romance, emotional conflict,
scenes that sizzle with physical tension?) and b) dialogue and characters that deeply moved the audience. Some
lines were so boring and meaningless that I waited for the characters to say
something else.
Here's an example: Snow White has
just killed a villain who intended to rip out a vital organ from her body
(slightly changed to avoid spoilers here, villain could be male or female); let's pretend for now that
it's the liver.
Villain: has just delivered a very evil and hateful speech before
our heroine kills her (or him) and breaks down, sputtering black blood and
aging rapidly
Snow White: *watches villain with tears in her eyes* "You
can't have my liver."
Me: *waits and listens*
Snow White:
Snow White:
Snow White:
Me: *waits and listens*
Me: I can't believe it. This was her final line in that scene. You can't have my liver. Wouldn't Snow
White say something in addition to that line, something cool, clever, or even
with a hint of black humor, to give this great villain the good-bye she (or he)
deserves? What about this: "You can't have my liver - or other vital organ
-, because it already belongs to the unbelievably handsome Huntsman who's madly
in love with me and will be warming my bed every night while you rot in hell,
you evil b*tch. (or insert suitable male cussword here) Besides, I was always
more beautiful than you. You should have wiped the dust from that blind old
mirror of yours before you made him choose who's the fairest. Oh, you're
already dead. Good. Guard, throw her over the castle walls for the ravens to
feed on." *rips crown from deceased villain's head*
And where, may I ask, was the
final, passionate kiss that everyone wants to see at the end of a fairy tale? Instead,
all we got was one of the male protagonists (I won't tell which one, not wanting
to spoil your fun) - washed and combed for once, coming around the corner while
Snow White watches him with tear-clouded eyes and a yearning look on her pretty
pale face.
Me: Finally! Now grab and kiss her before you carry her to her
chamber, you strong, sexy, handsome ..
Movie: *cuts to black, end credits*
Me: What the …? Are they kidding?
Husband: Let's go! *look of relief on his face* I think I need to
watch a splatter movie now.
Me: I think I need to rewatch Thor now to recover from all the Chris
Hemsworth lady boner teasing without results. And all three extended editions of Lord of the
Rings.
If you like dark fairy tales and
epic fantasy, go and watch Snow White and
the Huntsman! This dark fairy tale is visually exquisite, entertaining and
a good action-driven fantasy movie. What you shouldn't expect is too much depth
or a romantic love story. It's one of the films that makes you think what could
it have been if there had been a bit more of a background story. Now excuse me
while I put on a low-cut black dress and start commanding over my own little
kingdom here at home. I wanna be a badass queen, too! This makes me think of
Galadriel's words in Lord of the Rings:
"In the place of a Dark Lord
you would have a Queen! Not dark but beautiful and terrible as the Morn!
Treacherous as the Seas! Stronger than the foundations of the Earth! All shall
love me and despair!"
